Look....whom I am talking to!

This might sound a lot stupid but I have this weird habit of having mute conversations with all living and non-living things around me other than human beings. Err…to make myself clear ….what I mean to say is that I find myself talking to furniture, vegetables, insects and other such things that cause or become a reason of trouble for me. Like when my internet connection goes damn slow right when I have to do anything urgent and important, I would say…"Haan..Haan…abhi kyu chalenge aap computer mahashay…jab baby rhymes dikhana ho tab daudna superfast.” (Yeh..Yeh…why would you work now Mr. computer….you only run superfast when you have to play baby rhymes.”)

Or when I am in no mood to cook (which is quite often) and try making a quick recipe and it starts burning at the very first occasion of not being attended to, it gets on my nerves and I would go like this “lo…doob jao chullu bhar paani me…besharam” (Here…drown yourself in a handful of water…you shameless.) while adding just a little water which is needed anyway to save the recipe.

I know we all do some amount of internal talking when we really want say it on people’s face but refrain from doing so for lots of reasons, but my habit sometimes lands me in unexpected situations as I tend to complement my internal dialogs with some visible gestures or expressions. Coming up is one such incident that I can never forget.

As I have mentioned above that I am rarely in a mood to cook…it is basically because I don’t enjoy cooking and my otherwise a little creative mind just refuses to move its limbs when it comes to churning out ideas on what and how to cook. On one such day when I was left with a limited choice of vegetables in my fridge and was trying hard to come up with a lunch menu that everyone in the house could get down their throat, I picked up a Kaddu (pumpkin) and literally banged it (lightly) on my head and said (mutely of course) “Ab aap kaddu bhai jo mere matthe pade hain…apse kya pakaaun main?” (Now that I am stuck with you brother pumpkin….what should I cook out of you?) After a few minutes of intensive contemplating and brooding over the vegetables I went on to cook. I don’t remember if I talked to my recipes that day or not because the history was already made. Later that evening my respected Father-in-Law (FIL) came to me with a very grave expression on his face. He looked very uncomfortable and worried as if there was something that has been bothering him and yet he had no clue about it. So he put the question straight to me.

FIL: “Were you banging your head today?”  

Me: “Err…w..what..no”. The kaddu banging had slipped out of my mind

FIL: “Yes…you did…I Know…I saw it through a satellite reception.” That was his humorous attempt on the matter….just to make me feel better I guess.

Me: “But…I was not…” Now the lightening flashed and I knew what he was talking about

FIL: “Is there anything bothering you? Did you two had a fight?” referring to my husband.

Me: “No papa…its nothing like that…I was not banging my head…” I wanted to explain but my FIL interrupted me and started giving me all the “Gyaan” that he felt the need to give. This is a little flaw in my FIL personality that he just don’t have the patience to know or may be just don’t feel the need to see the other side of the coin and whatever is his own perception of things, becomes the truth…and the only truth. So he began counselling me about all the things he could think of as a probable cause of my head-banging.

FIL: “I know you have to do a lot…you are a new mother and must be finding it difficult to manage all the things at home with a little baby but this is life and we all are doing our roles…we are here to support you ..you can tell me if there is anything that’s bothering you. You are the pillar of this family (that’s his favourite adjective for me)..its because of your support that everything is on its place (I started another internal dialog and said to him…oh please papaji…I am happy being a woman…don’t make me a damn boring pillar!!)

All through his 15 or something minutes of “gurugyan” aimed at me I wanted to laugh out loud and tell him the truth…but I controlled myself as it would have given him a bigger shock and a much serious issue to deal with, to know that his “samajhdaar bahu” was actually talking to a kaddu.

So I just kept nodding my head in all seriousness and pleaded guilty in modest silence and tried my best to match the expressions of gravity on his face.